So funny story short...
My Mom calls me from the other side of the house to tell me to turn on a talk show, where they are talking about online dating. This has NEVER happened before!!! MANNN!!!
I realized that for the last year, I've been out of pocket and not present in many ways. Partly because of school, mostly because of money, and a percentage of getting caught up. So it's time to change that. I decided that I would try it again to do the online dating thing. I'd rather do this the old fashion way, where a man comes to me, and ask me out. But NOT just any man... but a man that is not trying to run game, has all his teeth, a job, the ability to hold an informative conversation, gainfully employed, and I AM ACTUALLY ATTRACTED TOO!!!
Reactivating an account that I opened years ago, I post a few pics, then start scrolling through my "matches." Immediately I recognize someone that is from the community, and I've seen a few times, but I keep going. I know that there will be plenty of people that live in my area, and I hope to not come across a stalker :-/ As I continue to scroll, and scroll, and scroll, the more you scroll, the percentage of your match decreases, and I get to a point where I see someone that I know pretty well. OMG!!! This person we do have a pull between each other, but he flunks TWO of my deal breakers. Plus based on his current marital situation (he's divorced, but it's a mess), I don't really know how ready he really is. So, for the time being, I'm thinking I need to stay deep under the radar. Cause again, it's not how I want to tell my kids I met their father.
Plus!! I've not told any of my "friends" about me going back online.
I will admit, that as I scrolled through, I found myself saying.... "He's not him. I want it to be him. I wish he would pop up." But clearly, "he's" not in God's plan for me. And to an extent... I really wish "he" was, but then I think, would I be settling? Maybe it's just not our time? I then think about what someone said in church one Sunday... "just because he's a good person, does not make him the right person."
So, I took a break from my relationship, and now, I've broken the ice. Gone is the excitement that would come when I saw his name in my caller idea, and gone really is my need to know. I have questions, and I will try one more time to talk, and see exactly where "we" are, but then if I don't, I'll survive. The sad part is, I was beginning to lean on this person, and now, I feel more of a stranger than before we started to get to know each other. The lesson I've learned, is that you can't go back, and things can never be the same.
So, in the morning, I'll meditate and speak with God, and pray that when I speak, He will answer.
Either way, life goes on, and love will rise. I have faith.
Me
Nice to meet you...
Friday, February 7, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Labor Pain
This past Sunday, my church finished it's annual fast. Done a little differently, I pretty much stuck to the food guidelines (mostly because I just didn't eat)... but didn't pray as I should, or even write out my prayer request. As the day happily approached, I decided that I would take a week off to eat, and the following week, go back to my fast in some capacity.
As the final week drew closer, I decided that I would really push on somethings, and what really got to be 1 thing... my "friend." For the last 7-8 months, our communication has fallen off, and I really was questioning what was going on, and in turn...had me questioning me. So I sat and wrote him an email.. actually, several emails; but since the last fiasco of mistakenly sending incomplete thoughts, I started them without addressing them. :-) But at last, after telling myself that I was going to let God handle it, I sat in church that Sunday, with the intent to tell him, I'm taking a break from you, and then finally, Wednesday, morning, I made the leap. The email was short. I told him about recognizing I have issues with abandonment, and that I hate being in some one's presence, and not feeling that I was really wanted there... & since it's the last week of my fast, "I'm fasting from you. I need to detox from you."
At this point, I'd not spoken to him in pretty much 2 days. A surprise, but not a surprise. Our communication has gotten so sporadic, that I never know if I can count on hearing, let alone him responding to me. Late that night, I got a text from him that was a response from like 3 days prior, then he questioned a relationship I had with a friend whom I'd stop speaking with, but reconnected. My first response was..."Did you read my email?" Which I got no response to. Then a few hours later, I responded to the question, which for the most part said... "life is to short." The NEXT morning he responded saying: "yes" he read it, he didn't understand it, & he would not expect a response.
Well, the week has been kinda freeing. Not waiting, not hoping, not watching, for his number to show in my phone. Yes I thought him many times, but I reminded myself that I needed this separation, and realignment. And honestly, I don't think he's missed me.
Tonight in bible study, people shared their testimonies and how God had answered their prayers. Since I didn't really journal or pray for anything beyond the need of our church, I didn't think I had anything to add. But as I sat in the back listening & pondering, I realized I did have a testimony. I did have a prayer answered. But months ago. I have no idea of how far back when, I asked God to start to move my "friend," if he was not to be the person I needed in my life. That I was not going to have the type of relationship I wanted, which I already knew... but HEY!! God works miracles & maybe he will speak up and want me. But I know the truth.
So tonight, the Pastor sent us to find a place to pray, and I walked to one of the furthest corners of the sanctuary, where I would be away from everyone. I asked him to clear the clutter and the distractions I have in my life, those that are stopping me from reaching my potential in every way. As I prayed, I would every once in awhile, hear the sounds of others, but would focus on the sound of my Pastor's voice, and it becoming my white noise. Saying to God, I know that what I've asked for, you've handled it, but what now? And as I asked what now, and said Thank You, and Lord do it, just move the clutter away, and point my feet and help me to move, I saw myself. I could see my body and the position I was in, and became aware of my breathing.
Feeling and seeing myself, I realized I was in a birthing position on my knees, with my arms resting on the pew, my hands on my face. I heard myself taking cleansing breaths. No. Not the "he-he-he-whoooo," but long breaths out, a rhythm, that kinda soothed me. then I realized how my body was rocking back and forth, back and forth. I thought, "God, You are working on me!!" My water has not broken yet, but those pains, whether they be growing, or a new life/project, I'm getting in place for the water to break, and conserving my energy to be able to push when the time is right, and not a moment before.
So. It's been 7 days I've not spoken to him. I don't know what I will do yet, and when I will do it, or what I will say. But when I'm ready to move forward, I my patience runs slow, and I don't like over thinking anything.
Tonight I spoke with a few people that I really look to for spiritual clarity, especially since they are/were single women. My last call left me with some thoughts, and a few questions. I'll think some more, and come up with a few more questions, and then I'll decide how to deliver them.
I'd love to be able to talk to him, get some answers, and come out with my heart in tact, but I know that there is a possibility I may never get that. And I'm pretty much OK with that. But before anything is even said, I'll pray on it, and let the words that come from my mouth, be off my heart. Anything worth having, is worth the risk of losing. And if I let God lead the way, open the door, and speak through my mouth, I'm safe... I'll be OK.
BTW. When I emailed him, I told him at least a week, if not longer. So I won't rush to contact him, and if he calls before (I seriously doubt), I'll handle it then.
As far a the fast I will start over...I've not decided yet, what I will do, but I am planning to do something that will truly get me ready for the blessings God has in store for me. I'm tired of wasting HIS & my time.
Let's get this God!!
PS
I know that this is not a scheduled post, but I missed the last one, and I plan to post on the 6th. I'm ready for things to happen!! Ready for life to move forward in a positive direction.
As the final week drew closer, I decided that I would really push on somethings, and what really got to be 1 thing... my "friend." For the last 7-8 months, our communication has fallen off, and I really was questioning what was going on, and in turn...had me questioning me. So I sat and wrote him an email.. actually, several emails; but since the last fiasco of mistakenly sending incomplete thoughts, I started them without addressing them. :-) But at last, after telling myself that I was going to let God handle it, I sat in church that Sunday, with the intent to tell him, I'm taking a break from you, and then finally, Wednesday, morning, I made the leap. The email was short. I told him about recognizing I have issues with abandonment, and that I hate being in some one's presence, and not feeling that I was really wanted there... & since it's the last week of my fast, "I'm fasting from you. I need to detox from you."
At this point, I'd not spoken to him in pretty much 2 days. A surprise, but not a surprise. Our communication has gotten so sporadic, that I never know if I can count on hearing, let alone him responding to me. Late that night, I got a text from him that was a response from like 3 days prior, then he questioned a relationship I had with a friend whom I'd stop speaking with, but reconnected. My first response was..."Did you read my email?" Which I got no response to. Then a few hours later, I responded to the question, which for the most part said... "life is to short." The NEXT morning he responded saying: "yes" he read it, he didn't understand it, & he would not expect a response.
Well, the week has been kinda freeing. Not waiting, not hoping, not watching, for his number to show in my phone. Yes I thought him many times, but I reminded myself that I needed this separation, and realignment. And honestly, I don't think he's missed me.
Tonight in bible study, people shared their testimonies and how God had answered their prayers. Since I didn't really journal or pray for anything beyond the need of our church, I didn't think I had anything to add. But as I sat in the back listening & pondering, I realized I did have a testimony. I did have a prayer answered. But months ago. I have no idea of how far back when, I asked God to start to move my "friend," if he was not to be the person I needed in my life. That I was not going to have the type of relationship I wanted, which I already knew... but HEY!! God works miracles & maybe he will speak up and want me. But I know the truth.
So tonight, the Pastor sent us to find a place to pray, and I walked to one of the furthest corners of the sanctuary, where I would be away from everyone. I asked him to clear the clutter and the distractions I have in my life, those that are stopping me from reaching my potential in every way. As I prayed, I would every once in awhile, hear the sounds of others, but would focus on the sound of my Pastor's voice, and it becoming my white noise. Saying to God, I know that what I've asked for, you've handled it, but what now? And as I asked what now, and said Thank You, and Lord do it, just move the clutter away, and point my feet and help me to move, I saw myself. I could see my body and the position I was in, and became aware of my breathing.
Feeling and seeing myself, I realized I was in a birthing position on my knees, with my arms resting on the pew, my hands on my face. I heard myself taking cleansing breaths. No. Not the "he-he-he-whoooo," but long breaths out, a rhythm, that kinda soothed me. then I realized how my body was rocking back and forth, back and forth. I thought, "God, You are working on me!!" My water has not broken yet, but those pains, whether they be growing, or a new life/project, I'm getting in place for the water to break, and conserving my energy to be able to push when the time is right, and not a moment before.
So. It's been 7 days I've not spoken to him. I don't know what I will do yet, and when I will do it, or what I will say. But when I'm ready to move forward, I my patience runs slow, and I don't like over thinking anything.
Tonight I spoke with a few people that I really look to for spiritual clarity, especially since they are/were single women. My last call left me with some thoughts, and a few questions. I'll think some more, and come up with a few more questions, and then I'll decide how to deliver them.
I'd love to be able to talk to him, get some answers, and come out with my heart in tact, but I know that there is a possibility I may never get that. And I'm pretty much OK with that. But before anything is even said, I'll pray on it, and let the words that come from my mouth, be off my heart. Anything worth having, is worth the risk of losing. And if I let God lead the way, open the door, and speak through my mouth, I'm safe... I'll be OK.
BTW. When I emailed him, I told him at least a week, if not longer. So I won't rush to contact him, and if he calls before (I seriously doubt), I'll handle it then.
As far a the fast I will start over...I've not decided yet, what I will do, but I am planning to do something that will truly get me ready for the blessings God has in store for me. I'm tired of wasting HIS & my time.
Let's get this God!!
PS
I know that this is not a scheduled post, but I missed the last one, and I plan to post on the 6th. I'm ready for things to happen!! Ready for life to move forward in a positive direction.
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