This past Sunday, my church finished it's annual fast. Done a little differently, I pretty much stuck to the food guidelines (mostly because I just didn't eat)... but didn't pray as I should, or even write out my prayer request. As the day happily approached, I decided that I would take a week off to eat, and the following week, go back to my fast in some capacity.
As the final week drew closer, I decided that I would really push on somethings, and what really got to be 1 thing... my "friend." For the last 7-8 months, our communication has fallen off, and I really was questioning what was going on, and in turn...had me questioning me. So I sat and wrote him an email.. actually, several emails; but since the last fiasco of mistakenly sending incomplete thoughts, I started them without addressing them. :-) But at last, after telling myself that I was going to let God handle it, I sat in church that Sunday, with the intent to tell him, I'm taking a break from you, and then finally, Wednesday, morning, I made the leap. The email was short. I told him about recognizing I have issues with abandonment, and that I hate being in some one's presence, and not feeling that I was really wanted there... & since it's the last week of my fast, "I'm fasting from you. I need to detox from you."
At this point, I'd not spoken to him in pretty much 2 days. A surprise, but not a surprise. Our communication has gotten so sporadic, that I never know if I can count on hearing, let alone him responding to me. Late that night, I got a text from him that was a response from like 3 days prior, then he questioned a relationship I had with a friend whom I'd stop speaking with, but reconnected. My first response was..."Did you read my email?" Which I got no response to. Then a few hours later, I responded to the question, which for the most part said... "life is to short." The NEXT morning he responded saying: "yes" he read it, he didn't understand it, & he would not expect a response.
Well, the week has been kinda freeing. Not waiting, not hoping, not watching, for his number to show in my phone. Yes I thought him many times, but I reminded myself that I needed this separation, and realignment. And honestly, I don't think he's missed me.
Tonight in bible study, people shared their testimonies and how God had answered their prayers. Since I didn't really journal or pray for anything beyond the need of our church, I didn't think I had anything to add. But as I sat in the back listening & pondering, I realized I did have a testimony. I did have a prayer answered. But months ago. I have no idea of how far back when, I asked God to start to move my "friend," if he was not to be the person I needed in my life. That I was not going to have the type of relationship I wanted, which I already knew... but HEY!! God works miracles & maybe he will speak up and want me. But I know the truth.
So tonight, the Pastor sent us to find a place to pray, and I walked to one of the furthest corners of the sanctuary, where I would be away from everyone. I asked him to clear the clutter and the distractions I have in my life, those that are stopping me from reaching my potential in every way. As I prayed, I would every once in awhile, hear the sounds of others, but would focus on the sound of my Pastor's voice, and it becoming my white noise. Saying to God, I know that what I've asked for, you've handled it, but what now? And as I asked what now, and said Thank You, and Lord do it, just move the clutter away, and point my feet and help me to move, I saw myself. I could see my body and the position I was in, and became aware of my breathing.
Feeling and seeing myself, I realized I was in a birthing position on my knees, with my arms resting on the pew, my hands on my face. I heard myself taking cleansing breaths. No. Not the "he-he-he-whoooo," but long breaths out, a rhythm, that kinda soothed me. then I realized how my body was rocking back and forth, back and forth. I thought, "God, You are working on me!!" My water has not broken yet, but those pains, whether they be growing, or a new life/project, I'm getting in place for the water to break, and conserving my energy to be able to push when the time is right, and not a moment before.
So. It's been 7 days I've not spoken to him. I don't know what I will do yet, and when I will do it, or what I will say. But when I'm ready to move forward, I my patience runs slow, and I don't like over thinking anything.
Tonight I spoke with a few people that I really look to for spiritual clarity, especially since they are/were single women. My last call left me with some thoughts, and a few questions. I'll think some more, and come up with a few more questions, and then I'll decide how to deliver them.
I'd love to be able to talk to him, get some answers, and come out with my heart in tact, but I know that there is a possibility I may never get that. And I'm pretty much OK with that. But before anything is even said, I'll pray on it, and let the words that come from my mouth, be off my heart. Anything worth having, is worth the risk of losing. And if I let God lead the way, open the door, and speak through my mouth, I'm safe... I'll be OK.
BTW. When I emailed him, I told him at least a week, if not longer. So I won't rush to contact him, and if he calls before (I seriously doubt), I'll handle it then.
As far a the fast I will start over...I've not decided yet, what I will do, but I am planning to do something that will truly get me ready for the blessings God has in store for me. I'm tired of wasting HIS & my time.
Let's get this God!!
PS
I know that this is not a scheduled post, but I missed the last one, and I plan to post on the 6th. I'm ready for things to happen!! Ready for life to move forward in a positive direction.
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