Trying It Again

So funny story short...
My Mom calls me from the other side of the house to tell me to turn on a talk show, where they are talking about online dating.  This has NEVER happened before!!! MANNN!!!

I realized that for the last year, I've been out of pocket and not present in many ways.  Partly because of school, mostly because of money, and a percentage of getting caught up.  So it's time to change that.  I decided that I would try it again to do the online dating thing.  I'd rather do this the old fashion way, where a man comes to me, and ask me out.  But NOT just any man... but a man that is not trying to run game, has all his teeth, a job, the ability to hold an informative conversation, gainfully employed, and I AM ACTUALLY ATTRACTED TOO!!!

Reactivating an account that I opened years ago, I post a few pics, then start scrolling through my "matches." Immediately I recognize someone that is from the community, and I've seen a few times, but I keep going.  I know that there will be plenty of people that live in my area, and I hope to not come across a stalker :-/  As I continue to scroll, and scroll, and scroll, the more you scroll, the percentage of your match decreases, and I get to a point where I see someone that I know pretty well.  OMG!!! This person we do have a pull between each other, but he flunks TWO of my deal breakers.  Plus based on his current marital situation (he's divorced, but it's a mess), I don't really know how ready he really is.  So, for the time being, I'm thinking I need to stay deep under the radar.  Cause again, it's not how I want to tell my kids I met their father.

Plus!!  I've not told any of my "friends" about me going back online.

I will admit, that as I scrolled through, I found myself saying.... "He's not him.  I want it to be him.  I wish he would pop up."  But clearly, "he's" not in God's plan for me.  And to an extent... I really wish "he" was, but then I think, would I be settling?  Maybe it's just not our time?  I then think about what someone said in church one Sunday... "just because he's a good person, does not make him the right person."

So, I took a break from my relationship, and now, I've broken the ice.  Gone is the excitement that would come when I saw his name in my caller idea, and gone really is my need to know.  I have questions, and I will try one more time to talk, and see exactly where "we" are, but then if I don't, I'll survive.  The sad part is, I was beginning to lean on this person, and now, I feel more of a stranger than before we started to get to know each other.  The lesson I've learned, is that you can't go back, and things can never be the same.

So, in the morning, I'll meditate and speak with God, and pray that when I speak, He will answer.

Either way, life goes on, and love will rise.  I have faith.