Happy New!!! To ME!!!

My birthday is just a few days away...

It's MY New Year's!!!

As I think about what it is I want to do in the this New Year, my resolutions, they've been coming to me slowly, but surely unlike before, these will stay at the for front of my mind, because to break them, would be breaking a promise to two of the most important people in my life... Me and God.  My list will grow, but for now here is where I am.

1. Take better care of me.
    Over the last couple years, especially since I've not had a full time steady job, I've been doing for others.  No I don't look to get anything back, because that is not a reason to give, but in the end I realized, there was nothing much of me left, because I wasn't being poured back into.  Those that took, didn't replenish.  So for the last few years, I've fasted from the word yes, and stop being the person to volunteer any assistance for even the simplest thing.  Sometimes you have to step back.

2.  I'm Giving more to God.
      I do believe I serve Him in many ways, I: volunteer, donate, take time out, try to be thoughtful, I pray for others, and try to be mindful to praise Him in good and bad. BUT I've not given over to him.  I've not let him take full control over my life, so that I can have what I want, need, and desire.  More importantly, so that I can be where He would have me to be, and be WHO He made me to be.

3. Keep promises to myself.
      I've said for a while, that the easiest person to to break a promise to... is ourselves.  We hold other people to a higher standard, and hold them accountable to their own word, but we don't do to ourselves, for ourselves.  It is a challenge for everyone, but in listing to the author of the 4 Agreements, you must be impeccable with your words... and it starts with you.

Everything beyond that is an added bonus.

a.  Give something away every month on the 26.
    God gave me a wonderful life, I can take a moment and sow into someone else's life.

b. Develop the curriculum for my Mother/Daughter project, and my Saturday School.  That includes the business plan.

c. ???

This list is a start.  I don't have a specific number that I want to complete, it's just a matter of what is right for me.  So before the week is over, I will add more.  Chances are... I'll at to this list through out the year once I feel the changes with inside of me.  Do you have any ideas??

This year there needs to be about change, positive change.  And it makes me wonder, how many people will not be a part of that change.  But then again, not everything is meant to be personal.

I Survived

So Sunday was a day filled with reminders of what I needed to remember about who I am.  I made it through, I survived.

Per my previous post... I woke up one way, and through out the day, God reminded me that I was feeling things for no reason.  I went to church and the guest speaker reminded me that there was no need to worry.  I went to an evening service with my Dad, and the guest speaker pointed out that God's got my back.  Those reminders have relaxed me. And I am reminding me, that I need to really get at the things I've been talking about, and allow God to handle the rest.

I can't make people want to be in my life, and I've stopped fighting to have that.
I can't keep giving myself away to people that in the end, really have no desire to not just give to me, but stay with me.

Looking at my life, and the things I want, the older I get, and the need to NOT just settle, I can no longer accept people wanting to be on the fringe of my life.  As the saying goes... "you're either in, or you're out?"  I'm going to miss many people, but I have the feeling once I step away, it will take a moment to even recognize I'm even gone.  I'm done trying for others, I'm now going to DO for me, until God gives me someone else to Do for.

Darkened Room

Ok, I've been up since 6am and it's time for a moment of real.

I can't put into words the level for frustration I am feeling right now.  NEVER in my life did I EVER imagine THIS would be my life.  NO!! you can't plan your life to the exact without God, (irony, it seems there are so many people that do that, get what they want, and DON'T have God in their life).  I'm wondering what it is I keep doing wrong, what is it that I've NOT done that God is waiting for me to do, so that he will bless me in a major way, versus what feels like crumbs, or little pieces of life broken off to me.

I know, that he blesses me in many ways, that I often mess up, but I keep faith, and rest in that.  I hold on to hope, and trust in my abilities.  Maybe that's it, in my speaking, others can see the cracks in my facade that I have doubt in myself.

I'm tired of being "positive."  I'm tired of being a person that "looks like" from the outside, but in the inside is a shambled mess.  I can't even begin to think of where to clean up.  I purchased books, and pray that whatever is inside of them, will light something inside of me.  I'd like to think I was open, but I know, I'm guarded.

I can no longer say who I am.  Can't say I ever really knew.  When I think about growing up, and how I was "raised," I can't say I was shaped, but then again I can.  I raised with expectations of others, but no self-realization of myself.  Humph?? Epiphany, I was not raised to appreciate myself, which has been my battle since my 30's when I decided to break away from doing what others expected and wanted of me.  Mind you, I'm still that people pleasing person, deep down inside, which is probably why it is SO hard for me to let go of people in my life; but the desire to really truly be free, is looking for a way out of me, I feel like I'm looking for a door that is not their in a darken roomed.

I think about walking away, and starting over, but where and with what?
I've lost a lot, I have little.  What I have, even though I know is more than enough, doesn't feel like it feels a thimble.  At times, I feel like a fraud.  Not that I'm not presenting who I am, but in the end, who I'm built up to be, I'm falling not near the line, matter of fact, I started dragging halfway through the race.

I feel so much like I'm rambling.  I feel so tired of having hope, to not hear a yes.  I feel so tired of thinking that this is it, or at any minute that ONE blessing I need will come, and give me enough lift to give me the energy I need to take not just steps but leaps into my life, is right at my feet.

I RESIGN!!! I AM SOOOOO DONE!!!
Black.  Female. Single. Childless. Jobless. Living at home. Driving a car that is NOT mine.  In a relationship that is NOT a relationship.  I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of praying.  I'm tired of going to the alter.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of seeing others have gains while I sit feeling stagnant.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of questioning myself.  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of trusting.  I'm tired.  At this point, it is easier to pick out what I don't have, because it towers so much over what I do, because I have those key people that point out for me what I lack.  And every time they do, it just turns that much more in my soul.

My spirit right now is just crashing.  I'm doing just enough to get by, when I want more, because I want to be able to give more.  I'm not looking to be a savior, but I am praying to be a blessing.

In all the brokenness, in being tired, frustrated, and feeling turned down,  I continue to hope.  I'll continue to pray.  Unlike some that may feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is possibly another train coming.  I keep going regardless.  I can't believe in what is not, I can only "trust" in what will, and in the end believe in the good.