Darkened Room

Ok, I've been up since 6am and it's time for a moment of real.

I can't put into words the level for frustration I am feeling right now.  NEVER in my life did I EVER imagine THIS would be my life.  NO!! you can't plan your life to the exact without God, (irony, it seems there are so many people that do that, get what they want, and DON'T have God in their life).  I'm wondering what it is I keep doing wrong, what is it that I've NOT done that God is waiting for me to do, so that he will bless me in a major way, versus what feels like crumbs, or little pieces of life broken off to me.

I know, that he blesses me in many ways, that I often mess up, but I keep faith, and rest in that.  I hold on to hope, and trust in my abilities.  Maybe that's it, in my speaking, others can see the cracks in my facade that I have doubt in myself.

I'm tired of being "positive."  I'm tired of being a person that "looks like" from the outside, but in the inside is a shambled mess.  I can't even begin to think of where to clean up.  I purchased books, and pray that whatever is inside of them, will light something inside of me.  I'd like to think I was open, but I know, I'm guarded.

I can no longer say who I am.  Can't say I ever really knew.  When I think about growing up, and how I was "raised," I can't say I was shaped, but then again I can.  I raised with expectations of others, but no self-realization of myself.  Humph?? Epiphany, I was not raised to appreciate myself, which has been my battle since my 30's when I decided to break away from doing what others expected and wanted of me.  Mind you, I'm still that people pleasing person, deep down inside, which is probably why it is SO hard for me to let go of people in my life; but the desire to really truly be free, is looking for a way out of me, I feel like I'm looking for a door that is not their in a darken roomed.

I think about walking away, and starting over, but where and with what?
I've lost a lot, I have little.  What I have, even though I know is more than enough, doesn't feel like it feels a thimble.  At times, I feel like a fraud.  Not that I'm not presenting who I am, but in the end, who I'm built up to be, I'm falling not near the line, matter of fact, I started dragging halfway through the race.

I feel so much like I'm rambling.  I feel so tired of having hope, to not hear a yes.  I feel so tired of thinking that this is it, or at any minute that ONE blessing I need will come, and give me enough lift to give me the energy I need to take not just steps but leaps into my life, is right at my feet.

I RESIGN!!! I AM SOOOOO DONE!!!
Black.  Female. Single. Childless. Jobless. Living at home. Driving a car that is NOT mine.  In a relationship that is NOT a relationship.  I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of praying.  I'm tired of going to the alter.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of seeing others have gains while I sit feeling stagnant.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of questioning myself.  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of trusting.  I'm tired.  At this point, it is easier to pick out what I don't have, because it towers so much over what I do, because I have those key people that point out for me what I lack.  And every time they do, it just turns that much more in my soul.

My spirit right now is just crashing.  I'm doing just enough to get by, when I want more, because I want to be able to give more.  I'm not looking to be a savior, but I am praying to be a blessing.

In all the brokenness, in being tired, frustrated, and feeling turned down,  I continue to hope.  I'll continue to pray.  Unlike some that may feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is possibly another train coming.  I keep going regardless.  I can't believe in what is not, I can only "trust" in what will, and in the end believe in the good.