2 months and 1 day

I just realized that I'm about to be a year older and I have a long way to go on my list...

Some things take time.... Some things take money... and at this point, I don't have much of either.

My list really is not that challenging, but I've not focused on it, and though I think about it often, I'm not checking it as much as I should, nor am I updating it.

It's funny, that when I turned 30, I tried to do the same thing. I could not come up with 30 things to do. Matter of fact I think my list got up to maybe 26, and I still didn't finish. Then to have someone share with me their list for 50, and to see them actually work it!! I need to be dedicated. But then again, there is not much I have been focused on. I know much of what I need to do, I just haven't sat myself down to do it. I let distractions of the slightest pull me away and turn me away.

So I need help. I need motivation. I need you to keep me on point. I want to complete my list as much as possible, on time. Do you think I can do it? Do you think you can help me? Rules are about to be bent, so something is about to happen, either way. :-)

who to blame

I know that in my life I've made some bad choices...
But what in my life could have been so bad that I can't meet the 1 person that I like,

and just want.. but does get married.

I'm trying to not do it..

I'm trying to not blame God for the lack of "romance"/"Love" in my life. I'm soooo confused,

and so over trying to figure out what in the HELL it is I need to meet that 1 person, or to meet someone "available" for me to be able to learn what it is and how it is...

I'm just soooo tired. My HEART ACHES.. IT HURTS SOOOO MUCH!!! I don't know what to do. Starting to feel like I never have or ever will.

I'm ready to give up. And if there was ever away to walk away and not feel the pangs, of hurt and disappointment for the things that really matter to you? I think I'd be out the door.

Where I thought I had some answers... I'm even more confused. I just want to be done.

So this week, I call it over. I don't think I can take another step further. I feel so defeated. And I don't know why. I don't know why.

Being a single woman is hard. Being a single black woman that is over weight, almost feels impossable to change. But I watch these shows on tv, and then it gives me hope. I just want to put my wine glass down, then turn the trash can over.

If you are reading this, it's not just about one person, but all that sees my heart and wants to be in my bubble....

.

For the record... I'm not desperate!! At times I'm lonely, and frustrations roll in like storm clouds on a rainy day... but just as quick, they roll out. So don't take my rantings as being someone who is ready to slice her wrist... but I am ready for change in my life, and movement.

I'm ready to step out!!

months

for months... I've had a crush... and for months I've been confused.

I don't believe in pursuing any man for a romantic relationship.. so just coming out and telling him.. ain't going to happen. If I knew how to throw signals out, I would... but then again, I'm having a hard time reading him.

It's interesting to have someone that likes to be in your personal space and "touch" you in ways that are personal but not: holding my hand, touching my hair, just being close. I can't tell if I'm reading right or wrong.

Friends have noticed the pull, but that has not turned into nothing more than random communication.

But in the last few months, things have changed. I don't know if it is because they are bothered by the fact that I've opened up to share my time with other, and not just made myself available to them. But it all makes me tired. If it wasn't for the fact I want to be married when I have a child... I'd just go get me a baby and keep it moving. lol

So now what? And How?? Games are not a part of this program!!

how

you know I sit and wonder.... I know, I'm overly blessed!

I will tell someone everyday ALL DAY... but it still does not make me

feel any better about where I am in my life, which as I get closer to my birthday,

fighting off falling into a hole of depression.

I've made many mistakes like others have, but not many things that I regret. I can say it's happened, and that I've learned many lessons.

So now what? How do I clean the mess that is around me, and that tries to creep across my foot?

I don't want anyone to save me... cause only of God can do that. I'm working to please him, and do his will. I doubt myself, praying to not mess up what he gives me, and praying even harder to take care of my blessings.