Hello Again, Hello

I started this blog 10 years ago, inspired by a former coworker who decided she would kick off her 50th year of life by doing 50 things. So I figured I'd do 40, for turning 40. I may have completed 12 :-/.

Anyway. Life has had its ups and downs with a few heartbreaks thrown in. Including one thing about my life still being status quo. What you may ask? I'm still single. (whomp whomp)

So I guess I'll just play catch up as I make this final descent out of my 40's. Something I never thought about. Doing things I never imagined. So where do I start; and more importantly, where do I end? Well, I don't think I can even think of everything to tell, especially since I don't feel there is anything to tell. So things will unfold as this story is told.

So, let's just start with the now. At this moment I am completing my Master's degree to be a mental health and family counselor. Translation, two degrees at once. Often, I would question myself about my choice in not only doing two degrees but the program at all. The experience, for the most part, has been lonely. Not sure if it is because I isolate, am disconnected, or just whatever. Either way. I'm glad it is almost over.

Socially, my life is on life support. I have turned off all dating apps. I have a handful of conversations going on, but none moving from texting or talking, to being in the same space. I can't say anything else except, I don't want to give up. I don't believe that this is something I'm not meant to have. I just don't.

So Happy Birthday to me. Happy New Year.

I have come to realize that because I have had to live with such hampster wheel life, there has not been much living. And when I get tired, I just let go and wander aimlessly. So I need a change. This year's power word is Purpose. I will do everything with purpose. I will move with purpose. I will.

Cheers!! As we count down!!

Not much

It' s been over a year.  Much has happened.  Much has not.  Life has not evolved in a way that I would like.  But then again, I have to clue what I'd like.  Well no, that's a lie.  I know what'd I'd like, I just don't know what it is I'm doing, or not doing, that is keeping me from what I think is so simple.

Here's my recap.
1. I got my MBA.  What am I going to do with it? IDDK.  I don't think I knew what I was going to         do, when I made the decision to get the degree.  I'm learning as I go.  It is an expensive lesson.

2.  I got a new nephew.  I'm sooooo in love... again.

3.  I got a job.  Hell I had (technically) 3 jobs for about  a month.  But I'm working full-time, with            benefits...but it's a grant position.  So let's all bow our heads & pray it gets more funding.

4.  I lost a good friend to cancer.  I didn't realize how much I leaned on her until the last few months.        Thinking about her even now, makes me tear up.

5.  The relationship I've been in for the last 3yrs, is over. (more on that later)  Should have been over,       years ago.  But it was comfortable, and I thought more of him, than I obviously should have.
      That is where much of my relational problems are.

6.  Oh!!  I have started another Master's program.  This is probably where I should have started in the
     first place.  I'm getting my master's in Clinical Counseling & a certificate in Marriage & Family.
     The start of this has been rough as I try to balance work & what little life I allow to creep in, but
     I'm doing this.

So I'm single.  Still living home.  But I'm working, and actually have the ability to save money.  I'd love to be in a relationship, but I'm so scattered, I have no clue where I'd even have the time, let alone meet someone.  My one.  

This is just a brief catch-up... but I think it is more than enough.

Trying It Again

So funny story short...
My Mom calls me from the other side of the house to tell me to turn on a talk show, where they are talking about online dating.  This has NEVER happened before!!! MANNN!!!

I realized that for the last year, I've been out of pocket and not present in many ways.  Partly because of school, mostly because of money, and a percentage of getting caught up.  So it's time to change that.  I decided that I would try it again to do the online dating thing.  I'd rather do this the old fashion way, where a man comes to me, and ask me out.  But NOT just any man... but a man that is not trying to run game, has all his teeth, a job, the ability to hold an informative conversation, gainfully employed, and I AM ACTUALLY ATTRACTED TOO!!!

Reactivating an account that I opened years ago, I post a few pics, then start scrolling through my "matches." Immediately I recognize someone that is from the community, and I've seen a few times, but I keep going.  I know that there will be plenty of people that live in my area, and I hope to not come across a stalker :-/  As I continue to scroll, and scroll, and scroll, the more you scroll, the percentage of your match decreases, and I get to a point where I see someone that I know pretty well.  OMG!!! This person we do have a pull between each other, but he flunks TWO of my deal breakers.  Plus based on his current marital situation (he's divorced, but it's a mess), I don't really know how ready he really is.  So, for the time being, I'm thinking I need to stay deep under the radar.  Cause again, it's not how I want to tell my kids I met their father.

Plus!!  I've not told any of my "friends" about me going back online.

I will admit, that as I scrolled through, I found myself saying.... "He's not him.  I want it to be him.  I wish he would pop up."  But clearly, "he's" not in God's plan for me.  And to an extent... I really wish "he" was, but then I think, would I be settling?  Maybe it's just not our time?  I then think about what someone said in church one Sunday... "just because he's a good person, does not make him the right person."

So, I took a break from my relationship, and now, I've broken the ice.  Gone is the excitement that would come when I saw his name in my caller idea, and gone really is my need to know.  I have questions, and I will try one more time to talk, and see exactly where "we" are, but then if I don't, I'll survive.  The sad part is, I was beginning to lean on this person, and now, I feel more of a stranger than before we started to get to know each other.  The lesson I've learned, is that you can't go back, and things can never be the same.

So, in the morning, I'll meditate and speak with God, and pray that when I speak, He will answer.

Either way, life goes on, and love will rise.  I have faith.

Labor Pain

This past Sunday, my church finished it's annual fast.  Done a little differently, I pretty much stuck to the food guidelines (mostly because I just didn't eat)... but didn't pray as I should, or even write out my prayer request.  As the day happily approached, I decided that I would take a week off to eat, and the following week, go back to my fast in some capacity.

As the final week drew closer, I decided that I would really push on somethings, and what really got to be 1 thing... my "friend."  For the last 7-8 months, our communication has fallen off, and I really was questioning what was going on, and in turn...had me questioning me.  So I sat and wrote him an email.. actually, several emails; but since the last fiasco of mistakenly sending incomplete thoughts, I started them without addressing them.  :-)  But at last, after telling myself that I was going to let God handle it, I sat in church that Sunday, with the intent to tell him, I'm taking a break from you, and then finally, Wednesday, morning, I made the leap.  The email was short.  I told him about recognizing I have issues with abandonment, and that I hate being in some one's presence, and not feeling that I was really wanted there... & since it's the last week of my fast, "I'm fasting from you.  I need to detox from you."

At this point, I'd not spoken to him in pretty much 2 days.  A surprise, but not a surprise.  Our communication has gotten so sporadic, that I never know if I can count on hearing, let alone him responding to me.  Late that night, I got a text from him that was a response from like 3 days prior, then he questioned a relationship I had with a friend whom I'd stop speaking with, but reconnected.  My first response was..."Did you read my email?"  Which I got no response to.  Then a few hours later, I responded to the question, which for the most part said... "life is to short."  The NEXT morning he responded saying: "yes" he read it, he didn't understand it, & he would not expect a response.

Well, the week has been kinda freeing.  Not waiting, not hoping, not watching, for his number to show in my phone.  Yes I thought him many times, but I reminded myself that I needed this separation, and realignment.  And honestly, I don't think he's missed me.

Tonight in bible study, people shared their testimonies and how God had answered their prayers.  Since I didn't really journal or pray for anything beyond the need of our church, I didn't think I had anything to add.  But as I sat in the back listening & pondering, I realized I did have a testimony.  I did have a prayer answered.  But months ago.  I have no idea of how far back when, I asked God to start to move my "friend," if he was not to be the person I needed in my life.  That I was not going to have the type of relationship I wanted, which I already knew... but HEY!! God works miracles & maybe he will speak up and want me.  But I know the truth.

So tonight, the Pastor sent us to find a place to pray, and I walked to one of the furthest corners of the sanctuary, where I would be away from everyone.  I asked him to clear the clutter and the distractions I have in my life, those that are stopping me from reaching my potential in every way.  As I prayed, I would every once in awhile, hear the sounds of others, but would focus on the sound of my Pastor's voice, and it becoming my white noise.  Saying to God, I know that what I've asked for, you've handled it, but what now?  And as I asked what now, and said Thank You, and Lord do it, just move the clutter away, and point my feet and help me to move, I saw myself.  I could see my body and the position I was in, and became aware of  my breathing.

Feeling and seeing myself, I realized I was in a birthing position on my knees, with my arms resting on the pew, my hands on my face.  I heard myself taking cleansing breaths.  No.  Not the "he-he-he-whoooo,"  but long breaths out, a rhythm, that kinda soothed me.  then I realized how my body was rocking back and forth, back and forth.  I thought, "God, You are working on me!!"  My water has not broken yet, but those pains, whether they be growing, or a new life/project, I'm getting in place for the water to break, and conserving my energy to be able to push when the time is right, and not a moment before.

So.  It's been 7 days I've not spoken to him.  I don't know what I will do yet, and when I will do it, or what I will say.  But when I'm ready to move forward, I my patience runs slow, and I don't like over thinking anything.

Tonight I spoke with a few people that I really look to for spiritual clarity, especially since they are/were single women.  My last call left me with some thoughts, and a few questions.  I'll think some more, and come up with a few more questions, and then I'll decide how to deliver them.

I'd love to be able to talk to him, get some answers, and come out with my heart in tact, but I know that there is a possibility I may never get that.  And I'm pretty much OK with that.  But before anything is even said, I'll pray on it, and let the words that come from my mouth, be off my heart.  Anything worth having, is worth the risk of losing.  And if I let God lead the way, open the door, and speak through my mouth, I'm safe... I'll be OK.

BTW.  When I emailed him, I told him at least a week, if not longer.  So I won't rush to contact him, and if he calls before (I seriously doubt), I'll handle it then.

As far a the fast I will start over...I've not decided yet, what I will do, but I am planning to do something that will truly get me ready for the blessings God has in store for me.  I'm tired of wasting HIS & my time.

Let's get this God!!

PS
I know that this is not a scheduled post, but I missed the last one, and I plan to post on the 6th.  I'm ready for things to happen!!  Ready for life to move forward in a positive direction.

late but on time

UGH!!!
I'm tired.  I'm the person that has the best ideas.... but waits until the last minute to execute it.  I'm tired.

 I've been feeling since the first of the year, the need to purge.  I'm nesting to an extent for some strange reason, and I'm ready to make room for new.  I've even started looking for things for my "New" place... which will come once I get a job & save to move :-D

I've accepted that a move out of town/state, is more than likely to be in my future as my parents get older.  I've been on daughter duty a few times the last couple of week, and I don't worry, but it's kinda sad to watch my parents make decisions to live life a less and less because of the pains of time.

Then there is my friend.  Who wish I could just have a straight conversation with, but when I've tried in the past, it just seems to go up into the air, and falls to the floor like a lead balloon.  I can honestly say, that I've held back a lot of me from him, and limited how much of him I wanted to "let in."  I want a relationship, I'd be happy if it was with him, but when it comes to my deal breakers, I think no.  And after listening to someone make a point on some talk show, it made me really think.  "Just because he a good guy, does not mean he's the right guy."  So I'm JUST about ready, to let him go, and move on.  Wish it was easier, but I'm ok with a slow separation.  I just know that pretty much by the next time I blog, I will have had a talk, or I will have made a decision, with or without him.  And since he doesn't seem to truly express interest, taking things back & down a level shouldn't bother him.

The last 10 days have been days that have helped me to realize that I need to really get into my theme for the year which is "step-up or step-off."  I have to make the decision to let somethings and people go, so that I can create space for what is meant to be in the place it is holding.

But more importantly, I need to discern what it is I want for me.  I can only look to others for so much, and in the end, they can't do anything for me.  But God has a plan, and I'm going to release to let Him work things out.

LORD!!!!  I LOVE YOU.
BUT PLEASE!!! WORK THIS OUT NOW!!!! & NOT LATER.

More questions from Oprah

Well... Oprah's magazine has posted some more questions.
And since I'm to sleepy to think of anything original to type right now...
HERE WE GO!!! :-D

8 Questions to Ask Yourself This Year
You want change? Here's how to get it—in big, fat, meaningful ways—from a few of this year's freshest, wisest thinkers.By Leigh Newman

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Questions-to-Ask-Yourself-This-Year/1#ixzz2pgyJqvbs

1. What's the greatest risk?
The biggest risk is feeling alone, lost, no control, no possibilities, no hope, no love, no chances, no idea of the direction to turn.  For the most part I've repeated myself, but I end the end, it's about the hurt that comes
with all listed.  Hurt by others, hurt by myself.  I just want to be happy.

2. How often do I say what I know not to say?
This is an alllll the time thing.  Though some people see me as being straight and blunt...
That really only happens when I am done with a situation, that doesn't look as if it is going to change,
or I'm just ready to be done & fine with walking away.
Honestly, half of what I feel like saying, I don't.  I believe in picking and choosing my battles.  And
hurting people, is not worth the energy.

3. What is your view from the vacant chair?
Up until I was in my late teens/very early 20's, I imagined my life to be on schedule: college, teaching, married, kids.  Pretty much the "American Dream."  When I changed positions on the porch, my view
was pretty much the same thing, just a shift in time.  

4. Are you arguing against reality?
I'll admit it... Yes I am, on several fronts.
But sometimes we have to slowly move into reality, and not just dive in.
Everything is a process... some are slower than others.

5. Have I finally forgiven X or am I just pretending?
I have forgiven some people this year.  I've made the decision to let things lie where they are and to
move forward.  I recognize that I can't go back & change what may or may not have happened, but
things can move from where "we" are.
But there are some that I have let go of whatever hurt, and I've decide that I Can't have them in my
life... there really is no point.  The trust that I blindly placed with them, is never going to be able to
outrun the memories that they left me with.  I've forgiven, and gotten smarter, and respect me more.

6. Am I ready to be just another ordinary hero?
I think I want to appreciated more than loved.  I want to know that I am an example, and not just
a person people look at.  I'm ok with ordinary.

7. Am I making what I do known?
Simply put... NOPE!! lol
I've never been one to really say... I did this, or I did that.  Matter of fact, I'm bad at cataloging my
accomplishments.  I have to talk to family & friends to remind me of all the things that I've done.
They see me better than I see me.  I ignore me.  I gotta start being proud of me & loving me more.

8. What am I doing with my in-between time?
Sadly, I'm not really doing all I could with my in-between time, and mostly it's because I'm lazy.
But I'm done with excuses, and getting out the door.  I'm ready for a change, and the only way
to have that change happen, is for me to get outta my bed, and get things started and done.
Early to bed... Well... I'll work on rising early... lol

So those are my questions for the year.
I'll review them in 6mons... then 12.
As I try to set my goals (not my resolutions) for this year, including keeping this blog up.
So on the 6's, I'll be keeping this updated, hope you can keep up.

Cheers to a better year!!! Happy 2014!!!

I've not kept the blog up... So today, this moment, I'm starting with something that is guided by someone else... specifically ... Oprah!!! lol

Posted earlier this month on her website, was a list of 11 things that everyone woman should do write before the year's end....  Well here goes.. (I'm on the line)

1. What Younger You Would Like About Present You
My younger me, would like that I am interested in giving my time to the community, to build it up, and find ways to grow it.  And that I only want to help, the best way I know how, whether time, energy, or money... however I can give.  That I love to travel, and I've been to Africa twice, including living there for three months.  

2. The Watched/Read It List

The last movie I saw was Frozen, with Kym and Emily.

This week I will be reading  Supernatural Provision, and the Four Agreements.
I'm working to be more spiritually centered and God bound.

3. The Mistake You Never Want to Make

I will think, and not be ruled by fear.  I will not put all of my faith in "man," and remember 

that God, will always carry me, when I stop fighting Him, and let Him be.

4. Your Ideal Outfit

In a perfect world, I'd be wearing a long dolmen sleeve maxi dress with a straight skirt.  I'm not wearing it right now because 1.  I can't find the exact dress... & b. my body is not what I'd want it to be to wear the dress.  But by next New Year's!!! (if not before), I'll find the dress & I'll be wearing it!!!

5. A Deep, Dark—Shhh—Secret

We all have them... and I won't be posting this publicly, but my secret has taught me a lesson about love, and trust.

6. The Most Unexpected Compliment You Ever Got
Anytime my Step-dad tells me anything, that shows any pride in me.  We don't fight a lot, but we don't talk a lot either.  And as he gets older, and as his health becomes a challenge, I see him soften, he even kisses me on the cheek from time to time.

7. That One Quote

Right now... all I can say is "to thine on-self, be true."

But my own saying is... "No opinion solicited, none given."  Sometimes people just want you to listen, not talk.

8. The Best Surprise You've Ever Had

Having friends rent/borrow a car, to surprise me when I need to have hugs, and someone to wipe my tears.

9. Your True Happiness

My true happiness would be meeting, or realizing my husband.  Getting married, being able to afford a home on a piece of property, that would allow me the space to have my parents live "with" us.  To have kids, to watch them grow up into awesome God loving people, and live to see my grandchildren.
I'd like to be able to successfully publish books (especially children's), and start a non-profit that that gets people to open their mind.
To be able to travel, and have the things I want and need, when I want and need.
To live a long healthy life.

10. Your Favorite Failure

My best failure... if I am to call it that, is asking a man out, only to find out he's dating someone.  Having bad information, I went for it.  I still laugh at it.  I can say I've done it, at least once.

11. An Amendment to the Bucket List

I don't have a bucket list.  I've thought about it, but honestly, I look to the future to have my new experiences.  My dreams as far as I'm concerned is simple, and doable.  And I can't have a list, without my husband.

This is my list.  As I think about this year passed, I can think of a few things that stick out, good, bad, or indifferent, but I am not focused on the past... Because I'm soooo ready for my future.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!