This past week was interesting in many ways... but one of the best was going to the Barry Manilow concert. Yep!! Really old school, but sooo much fun, and mostly because it was simple. As I work on my list of new experiences I'm blessed to know ppl that can think of me, and find a way to bless me.

My list has been at a stand still and I'm trying to keep in mind that I even have a list. lol

But as I go through it, I do realize that I have done a few thing just because they are things that I do anyway by nature.

There are a few things on the list that I am finding hard to tackle....

Hell... anything dealing with a man... is draggin my list down. I haven't really tried to do #19 (that was some foolishness someone else thought up) but it could be done in the right environment. And trying to just take someone out for lunch to just chat?? I've just about given up on that.

So you got any suggestions for how I can accomplish some of the stuff on my list? Know any guys that wouldn't mind letting me kiss their cheek, or take them to lunch. Gotta get her done!!!

Ramblings on A Good Guy and Control

Today I got a call from a friend that needed to hash some things out. He's dating someone that is separated and not really making the effort to be divorced, and he's interested in getting married. Translation, she's enjoying being "single," so what's he to do?

As we chatted about his dating history since we've met, and his lack of being social in a very social city, he began to hear from his own mouth what his problem was and what he needed to do.

(BTW, since I'm giving nicknames... let's call this one "Numbers." )

Numbers and I met when he saw me through a window while I was working in another city. He was nervous about talking to me, so when someone else gave him my number, he would call and hang up. After a few weeks, we finally had a chat. We hung out a couple of times, and he even asked me to marry him, with a promise of letting me stay home to raise our kids.... After I picked my mouth up off the floor and got my mind back, I told him no :-) But, we've remained the kinda friends that don't have to talk everyday or every month, but every few months or so I'll call to say hi, or he calls with womens issues.

Tonight as we chatted & after hanging up, I thought to myself he's a good guy, nice, sweet, loving, willing to give all. And why am I not trying to get with that myself. Then he sent me a text to say how much he appreciated me, but started it with... "let's get married... j/k". I reminded him that he'd already asked, and who knows what could happen in the future?

So what is it? Contrary to what we often say, about there being no good men out there... Well he's a good guy, wanting a good girl. And there are plenty of guys like him.

This dating thing is a bitch and trying to weed through the foolishness that people will put you through, makes you crazy. I constantly try to remind myself that the struggle of the journey is worth that final goal. Therefore my challenge is to let it all go, and let God have his way with me to get me through this. I release all control to Him.

inspired to an epiphany

Ok, another blog within hours. Before warned that this will totally be a grammatical mess, but hopefully you can me sense of this. So here we goooooo!!!

I just had an epiphany! I realized that it’s been over 2yrs since I’ve had an interest in any man since Red. With Red, I accept the responsibility for breaking my own heart.

Before we met, I’d prayed for someone that would want me more than I wanted them, and I would be able to walk away from. Just someone to hang out with & they spend their money on me. For years I dated a guy that I treated & drove and HELL… that mo’fo was a scrub J… but poor Red, he came at the wrong time. He came right after a time I was literally abandoned by 2 different guys.

One, a med student I’d met with one of my bff’s. He didn’t stay in touch, but when I was in town, he’d drive out of his way to see me. He gave the impression that he was in to me. Guy #2, came to me my last hours in Ghana; planning to come to the states for school, I prepared my mind for him to become a father. Both just stopped communication. Both disappeared. One I kept emailing, and eventually when he translated written word into a questioning of his “manhood” only then did I get a response. The other, I found on fb (after I deleted him from my fb & myspace page). I said hi, he questioned what happened, I said you didn’t seem to be interested in communicating, so I deleted you. I was thinking, you didn’t bother to contact me, & now you don’t say anything to say any different, so he will stay in the past. Then 2 months after I returned from Ghana, I met Red though a friend. Sweet guy, good looking, very loving & attentive, he was ready to plunge into marriage within months of meeting/dating.

Because I never gave him the real attention he deserved, he found someone to give it to him. He was the first guy that I dated that was not a “wounded puppy.” He took me by surprised. God took me by surprise! I didn’t know what to do with him.

So now, just over 2yrs, someone has caught my eye. Can’t say that I picture him as my forever. Can’t even say I picture us doing more hand holding hands, cuddling and just chatting? But it’s been soooo long, so long. I miss the affection, and I’m trying to wait on God to get me to that person, but right now, I’m looking to get to know “him.” Now to figure out what his deal is.

Is it a joke? Is he that much of a tease? He takes my hand outta nowhere…. but I pull back for fear, fear of reading too much into it. UGH!!! I look forward to being outta the dating scene… cause this mystery stuff SUCKS!!!!!

But that interest, and on action inspired me to do something I’ve not really done in years. I wrote a poem. Before it’s over... there will be more. BTW, not sure if I will post the poem or not? Maybe down the road I’ll share with you. Maybe?

Oh well… that’s a lot to think of… a lot to live through. So stay tuned.

Getting Out

This week, I think was the first time in my life that I went out 4 days outta 7. LOL!!! I’m in the wrong house for that!! When I got ready to leave last night (of course I left late!!), my mother was like “where you going at 11 o’clock at night.” Well I know eventually the comments will come, but it’s ok. I’ve been content with living inside four walls without a true interest in really actively seeking, exploring and finding out about outside the 4-walls.

So this week it was The Grande, then the museum, then Hip Hop Karaoke, and tonight the Waldorf (the 3^rd week in a row). Now, listening to the very talented young man play the piano is nice, and the place is cool… but, I don’t want to be looked at as a stalker. ROFL!!! But right now money is tight & I can’t really think of another place to go. So it’s back to the Waldorf with “new” friends.

Something else I did this week was reviewing my list. I needed to update and see where I am. Some things are done, some in good progress, others just dayum stalled. Especially the “man” part of the list. If you recall, I have “kiss 40 men” and “go on 40 dates” (which is going be changed). It will change to 2 dates with 20 guys, or whatever to add up to 40. So with that said… I went on one date, and that is when I decided to change it, BUT, I can’t get the guy to call me back. I have a 2 more friends that said they would go on dates with me, but it’s a matter of just getting them when they have time. Then I have 1 I think I’d just plain like to date, but don’t think he’s interested in me, so if I can get him to go out to lunch or whatever, I’d be happy just to get to know him.

So today, chatting with some extended family on fb, she tells me a “friend” of hers has been asking about me. “He” wants to get to know me. HUH? I think the first time I met him was with a friend, and I think he judged me to be someone I am not. Well, my first thought was WTF… SOOOOOO NOT MY TYPE. Translation, he’s a big time baby daddy, that looks like he’s content with being just that. So just like he did, I have judged him, but then I have more details on him. But then I thought back to my list, and the point of my list which is to meet different guys and get to know them, find out how they feel about things in life, and learn from them. The goal is not so much to find a relationship, but maybe start a one, a good friendship if nothing else. Thus… I’m probably going on the date with the guy I’d never give a 2^nd look to. So, I have to call him and set it up. I’m not sure how this is going to go, but I’ll treat him like I will do the rest, flowers or candy, I’ll pick up the tab, but I think I’ll meet him where ever we go…. so stay tuned

Self

This is a New Year.... I stopped doing resolutions years ago when it dawned on me that my New Year is August 26, the day I was born and not January 1st. But either way, I'm just trying to go into things in a different way.

Last NYE I didn't go to church as I'd done for at least the last 10yrs, but I visited with friends briefly, then went home, got ready for bed, then at 2mins before midnight, began to pray my way into 2010. No I can't remember exactly what I prayed... but I'm sure it's pretty much what I always pray, that God moves in my life, and allows me to see clearly the things that are for me and the things that are not.

This year I just told God, "I'm all yours. Do with me what you need so that I am able to be who I was born to be, so that I am able to take the blessings he gives me, and share them with others.

No. I didn't specifically pray for a man, or anything like, because I figure that if he moves me to where I need to be, all that I desire in my life, will fall into place.

So far, I've enjoyed the 3 days of the NY. My parents were away for a few days, so I had the house to myself, and I just lived on the porch. I hung with a few friends, but really just kept to myself. Saturday night turned out to be a pretty nice evening out with gf's eating chocolate & listening to jazz. Before the night was over, I flirted with my crush and met a new cutie.

I really was considering going after 1 or both in a round about way, but then I start thinking. Then I start doubting.

1. the age difference... I hate the term cougar, and don't really consider myself to be one because I've always been pursued

2. my weight... I have got to get motivated

3. I'm not at the station in life I would like to be (I only have so much to offer, and it's not enough as far as I'm concerned)

4. Am I really "their" type (see line 2)

5. what am I really going to pursue with either of them... I've decided that I don't have an interest in just hooking up, and if it's not heading in a direction of a serious relationship, why bother

But moving on, Mr. Cutie (or shall we call him Room 347), asked out my girlfriend, and brushed me off. Now my crush (we'll call him the Black Key), is quick witted and flirted in a way that really just brought something outta me, (even though I could not keep up with him). Tonight it was not the same vibe, and I'm thinking I need to pull back. UGH!!!

If nothing else, I'll take him on a date for my list. I'll get to know him, and maybe well who the hell knows what "maybe"?

If God is waiting for me to hit rock bottom, I'm not sure if I'm there yet, but I dayum sholl is tired of it.

So tonight, after I've read one of my spiritual books on waiting, I'll get on my knees and pray to my Father. I know he hears me, I'm just waiting for him to answer. aaahhhhh... P.U.SH. & P.U.S.H some more. Maybe when my knees lock and my hands go numb, I'll be on my back with only 2 ways to go, sideways and up. Lord help me to move up.

Oh... this year... only God knows where it will take me. Only God knows anything even through confusion.