Ok, another blog within hours. Before warned that this will totally be a grammatical mess, but hopefully you can me sense of this. So here we goooooo!!!
I just had an epiphany! I realized that it’s been over 2yrs since I’ve had an interest in any man since Red. With Red, I accept the responsibility for breaking my own heart.
Before we met, I’d prayed for someone that would want me more than I wanted them, and I would be able to walk away from. Just someone to hang out with & they spend their money on me. For years I dated a guy that I treated & drove and HELL… that mo’fo was a scrub J… but poor Red, he came at the wrong time. He came right after a time I was literally abandoned by 2 different guys.
One, a med student I’d met with one of my bff’s. He didn’t stay in touch, but when I was in town, he’d drive out of his way to see me. He gave the impression that he was in to me. Guy #2, came to me my last hours in Ghana; planning to come to the states for school, I prepared my mind for him to become a father. Both just stopped communication. Both disappeared. One I kept emailing, and eventually when he translated written word into a questioning of his “manhood” only then did I get a response. The other, I found on fb (after I deleted him from my fb & myspace page). I said hi, he questioned what happened, I said you didn’t seem to be interested in communicating, so I deleted you. I was thinking, you didn’t bother to contact me, & now you don’t say anything to say any different, so he will stay in the past. Then 2 months after I returned from Ghana, I met Red though a friend. Sweet guy, good looking, very loving & attentive, he was ready to plunge into marriage within months of meeting/dating.
Because I never gave him the real attention he deserved, he found someone to give it to him. He was the first guy that I dated that was not a “wounded puppy.” He took me by surprised. God took me by surprise! I didn’t know what to do with him.
So now, just over 2yrs, someone has caught my eye. Can’t say that I picture him as my forever. Can’t even say I picture us doing more hand holding hands, cuddling and just chatting? But it’s been soooo long, so long. I miss the affection, and I’m trying to wait on God to get me to that person, but right now, I’m looking to get to know “him.” Now to figure out what his deal is.
Is it a joke? Is he that much of a tease? He takes my hand outta nowhere…. but I pull back for fear, fear of reading too much into it. UGH!!! I look forward to being outta the dating scene… cause this mystery stuff SUCKS!!!!!
But that interest, and on action inspired me to do something I’ve not really done in years. I wrote a poem. Before it’s over... there will be more. BTW, not sure if I will post the poem or not? Maybe down the road I’ll share with you. Maybe?
Oh well… that’s a lot to think of… a lot to live through. So stay tuned.
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