Self

This is a New Year.... I stopped doing resolutions years ago when it dawned on me that my New Year is August 26, the day I was born and not January 1st. But either way, I'm just trying to go into things in a different way.

Last NYE I didn't go to church as I'd done for at least the last 10yrs, but I visited with friends briefly, then went home, got ready for bed, then at 2mins before midnight, began to pray my way into 2010. No I can't remember exactly what I prayed... but I'm sure it's pretty much what I always pray, that God moves in my life, and allows me to see clearly the things that are for me and the things that are not.

This year I just told God, "I'm all yours. Do with me what you need so that I am able to be who I was born to be, so that I am able to take the blessings he gives me, and share them with others.

No. I didn't specifically pray for a man, or anything like, because I figure that if he moves me to where I need to be, all that I desire in my life, will fall into place.

So far, I've enjoyed the 3 days of the NY. My parents were away for a few days, so I had the house to myself, and I just lived on the porch. I hung with a few friends, but really just kept to myself. Saturday night turned out to be a pretty nice evening out with gf's eating chocolate & listening to jazz. Before the night was over, I flirted with my crush and met a new cutie.

I really was considering going after 1 or both in a round about way, but then I start thinking. Then I start doubting.

1. the age difference... I hate the term cougar, and don't really consider myself to be one because I've always been pursued

2. my weight... I have got to get motivated

3. I'm not at the station in life I would like to be (I only have so much to offer, and it's not enough as far as I'm concerned)

4. Am I really "their" type (see line 2)

5. what am I really going to pursue with either of them... I've decided that I don't have an interest in just hooking up, and if it's not heading in a direction of a serious relationship, why bother

But moving on, Mr. Cutie (or shall we call him Room 347), asked out my girlfriend, and brushed me off. Now my crush (we'll call him the Black Key), is quick witted and flirted in a way that really just brought something outta me, (even though I could not keep up with him). Tonight it was not the same vibe, and I'm thinking I need to pull back. UGH!!!

If nothing else, I'll take him on a date for my list. I'll get to know him, and maybe well who the hell knows what "maybe"?

If God is waiting for me to hit rock bottom, I'm not sure if I'm there yet, but I dayum sholl is tired of it.

So tonight, after I've read one of my spiritual books on waiting, I'll get on my knees and pray to my Father. I know he hears me, I'm just waiting for him to answer. aaahhhhh... P.U.SH. & P.U.S.H some more. Maybe when my knees lock and my hands go numb, I'll be on my back with only 2 ways to go, sideways and up. Lord help me to move up.

Oh... this year... only God knows where it will take me. Only God knows anything even through confusion.