But I'm Not Broken

Life begins and you are perfect.
Well except for the boxes that are checked when they decide that THIS will be your name.
The boxes that shape the perception the world will take ... of you, and where you come from.
Life begins uneven and slanted, hope and joy can be brief, but they say later YOU can turn it around, but the tools, can you reach?

You may or may not be given direction.  You may or may not even be given a map.  You're only left to trust in what others are telling, a truth that maybe questionable at best.  Shaped to be something that you may not be meant to be? You do what you can, trying to fall forward, and not back.

Being in one place to long, is not a sign of complacence, but a picture of confusion, lostness, and distress.
I do nothing short of doing it great, I earn nothing short of, it's ok.

To the people that are only familiar with me... Watch me from a distance... Have brief encounters, short conversations....I have a lot going for me.  To me, I'm on a treadmill, barely getting my heart rate up  So what do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I get there?  I am a person of faith.  And I AM waiting on God.  My question, my concern, is what am I doing that is stopping God from fully blessing me.  I watch people around me who are experiencing movement in their life, picking up momentum.  Me, I take a step, and then I feel as if I'm stumbling back or just falling on my ass.  Happy for them, confusing for me.  But I try to keep going.

When I look at my life, I recognize that my parents raised me the best they knew how.  But in the grand scheme of things, did they do what they could to equip me to go after the things that make me passionate, and would contribute to my happiness.  I don't strive to be perfect, I just want to be happy, and doing more than surviving.  And now, I'm left with the question of wondering... What exactly is that?

I right now, and in pieces like a puzzle.  I'm not broken and shattered to where I can't be put back together, but I need to be put back together.  I'm not broken, but I'm not whole.

One Week into My New Year

I've been a year older for one week now.  Has much happened?? NOPE... well yes.

I enjoyed celebrating with family and friends, I enjoyed the surprises that came along, that created more joy in my heart.  I'm thankful.  But as things go, questions always wants to enter.

As my last week in my "Summer House," comes to a close, I realized more and more, how much I've not done as much as I wanted... and from this pint forward, I plan to do more and enjoy more.  And as I've continue to hear others speak and recognize on my own that I need to look at things the right way, I can focus and be in the right place to receive my desires.

As I work to finalize my resolutions, I am reminded that I need to recognize what I need, when I continually am giving to others.

So every week when I blog, I make not of at least one lesson I've learned, that will help me, to be better.

Today's lesson...
I am visual.  And in order for me to achieve and receive, I must see it.  I need to write it down.  This week's goal is to create a vision board.  Nothing to explain to anyone, but it's my story, my journey, my life I need to focus on.

Happy New!!! To ME!!!

My birthday is just a few days away...

It's MY New Year's!!!

As I think about what it is I want to do in the this New Year, my resolutions, they've been coming to me slowly, but surely unlike before, these will stay at the for front of my mind, because to break them, would be breaking a promise to two of the most important people in my life... Me and God.  My list will grow, but for now here is where I am.

1. Take better care of me.
    Over the last couple years, especially since I've not had a full time steady job, I've been doing for others.  No I don't look to get anything back, because that is not a reason to give, but in the end I realized, there was nothing much of me left, because I wasn't being poured back into.  Those that took, didn't replenish.  So for the last few years, I've fasted from the word yes, and stop being the person to volunteer any assistance for even the simplest thing.  Sometimes you have to step back.

2.  I'm Giving more to God.
      I do believe I serve Him in many ways, I: volunteer, donate, take time out, try to be thoughtful, I pray for others, and try to be mindful to praise Him in good and bad. BUT I've not given over to him.  I've not let him take full control over my life, so that I can have what I want, need, and desire.  More importantly, so that I can be where He would have me to be, and be WHO He made me to be.

3. Keep promises to myself.
      I've said for a while, that the easiest person to to break a promise to... is ourselves.  We hold other people to a higher standard, and hold them accountable to their own word, but we don't do to ourselves, for ourselves.  It is a challenge for everyone, but in listing to the author of the 4 Agreements, you must be impeccable with your words... and it starts with you.

Everything beyond that is an added bonus.

a.  Give something away every month on the 26.
    God gave me a wonderful life, I can take a moment and sow into someone else's life.

b. Develop the curriculum for my Mother/Daughter project, and my Saturday School.  That includes the business plan.

c. ???

This list is a start.  I don't have a specific number that I want to complete, it's just a matter of what is right for me.  So before the week is over, I will add more.  Chances are... I'll at to this list through out the year once I feel the changes with inside of me.  Do you have any ideas??

This year there needs to be about change, positive change.  And it makes me wonder, how many people will not be a part of that change.  But then again, not everything is meant to be personal.

I Survived

So Sunday was a day filled with reminders of what I needed to remember about who I am.  I made it through, I survived.

Per my previous post... I woke up one way, and through out the day, God reminded me that I was feeling things for no reason.  I went to church and the guest speaker reminded me that there was no need to worry.  I went to an evening service with my Dad, and the guest speaker pointed out that God's got my back.  Those reminders have relaxed me. And I am reminding me, that I need to really get at the things I've been talking about, and allow God to handle the rest.

I can't make people want to be in my life, and I've stopped fighting to have that.
I can't keep giving myself away to people that in the end, really have no desire to not just give to me, but stay with me.

Looking at my life, and the things I want, the older I get, and the need to NOT just settle, I can no longer accept people wanting to be on the fringe of my life.  As the saying goes... "you're either in, or you're out?"  I'm going to miss many people, but I have the feeling once I step away, it will take a moment to even recognize I'm even gone.  I'm done trying for others, I'm now going to DO for me, until God gives me someone else to Do for.

Darkened Room

Ok, I've been up since 6am and it's time for a moment of real.

I can't put into words the level for frustration I am feeling right now.  NEVER in my life did I EVER imagine THIS would be my life.  NO!! you can't plan your life to the exact without God, (irony, it seems there are so many people that do that, get what they want, and DON'T have God in their life).  I'm wondering what it is I keep doing wrong, what is it that I've NOT done that God is waiting for me to do, so that he will bless me in a major way, versus what feels like crumbs, or little pieces of life broken off to me.

I know, that he blesses me in many ways, that I often mess up, but I keep faith, and rest in that.  I hold on to hope, and trust in my abilities.  Maybe that's it, in my speaking, others can see the cracks in my facade that I have doubt in myself.

I'm tired of being "positive."  I'm tired of being a person that "looks like" from the outside, but in the inside is a shambled mess.  I can't even begin to think of where to clean up.  I purchased books, and pray that whatever is inside of them, will light something inside of me.  I'd like to think I was open, but I know, I'm guarded.

I can no longer say who I am.  Can't say I ever really knew.  When I think about growing up, and how I was "raised," I can't say I was shaped, but then again I can.  I raised with expectations of others, but no self-realization of myself.  Humph?? Epiphany, I was not raised to appreciate myself, which has been my battle since my 30's when I decided to break away from doing what others expected and wanted of me.  Mind you, I'm still that people pleasing person, deep down inside, which is probably why it is SO hard for me to let go of people in my life; but the desire to really truly be free, is looking for a way out of me, I feel like I'm looking for a door that is not their in a darken roomed.

I think about walking away, and starting over, but where and with what?
I've lost a lot, I have little.  What I have, even though I know is more than enough, doesn't feel like it feels a thimble.  At times, I feel like a fraud.  Not that I'm not presenting who I am, but in the end, who I'm built up to be, I'm falling not near the line, matter of fact, I started dragging halfway through the race.

I feel so much like I'm rambling.  I feel so tired of having hope, to not hear a yes.  I feel so tired of thinking that this is it, or at any minute that ONE blessing I need will come, and give me enough lift to give me the energy I need to take not just steps but leaps into my life, is right at my feet.

I RESIGN!!! I AM SOOOOO DONE!!!
Black.  Female. Single. Childless. Jobless. Living at home. Driving a car that is NOT mine.  In a relationship that is NOT a relationship.  I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of praying.  I'm tired of going to the alter.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of seeing others have gains while I sit feeling stagnant.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of questioning myself.  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of trusting.  I'm tired.  At this point, it is easier to pick out what I don't have, because it towers so much over what I do, because I have those key people that point out for me what I lack.  And every time they do, it just turns that much more in my soul.

My spirit right now is just crashing.  I'm doing just enough to get by, when I want more, because I want to be able to give more.  I'm not looking to be a savior, but I am praying to be a blessing.

In all the brokenness, in being tired, frustrated, and feeling turned down,  I continue to hope.  I'll continue to pray.  Unlike some that may feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is possibly another train coming.  I keep going regardless.  I can't believe in what is not, I can only "trust" in what will, and in the end believe in the good.

Hands Up

I've been told, and I agree...
When I let "you" into my life, I welcome you with the expectations that you will stay forever!!
But the reality is, some people do come to stay while others make an exit, that don't always come with an explanation.

When I love... I love hard.  I look forward to sharing experiences, the memories, the hopes, the joy, the prayers, the world with "you."

Every year for my birthday, I reflect and I let go.  I accepted and I purge what seems to no longer require a place in my life.  "Friends" that I continually initiate communication, connecting and hanging out, and just having a presence, I am sadden when their life seems to be moving, and I am not even a part of what is going on, I feel that I am not even a thought to your world in the presence, only a footnote in your past.

Some relationships I recognize I've sought them out because I of whatever it is I'm missing in my life.  So when things go a certain way, I remind myself that I asked for this.  That I have some responsibility for the things that are going on.  So now I'm reflecting on how people treat me.  The saying that keeps coming through my mind lately is "don't let someone treat you like an option, when you should be a priority."

I miss them sometimes to the point of my heart aches, I questions what happened, (or didn't happen), but then I go back to my life.

Because of you, my heart grew.  You will always be in my heart, but I'm excited to let you go.

Divorce

I am the product of a divorce.

In elementary school, there were so many kids in my class with divorced parents, that I was only of a few that had both parents still together.  But time changed that.  My parents were married until my Jr. High years. They had their issues, including money & fidelity being the biggest of them all and bringing it to an end.

When my parents split, I can't say I was surprised, but it was traumatizing, which is probably why I am almost 43, and not in a relationship that could lead to marriage right now.

I have a few friends that are in varying stages of divorce.  It hurts me to hear them speak about their relationships coming to an end; but it hurts me more to hear the effects on their kids.  What's interesting about the people in the relationships and their life's foundation makes it even more interesting.

1. Higher educated.
2. From 2 parent homes (married)
3. Good family support system.

As I listen to them, and have the urge to speak to them as a child of divorce, AND NO!!!  I don't know everything, but I can speak to a place they've never experienced.  I want to say to them... IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU!!! WATCH OVER YOUR CHILD!!!  You've ripped your child's world a part, and now you are creating a divide because of "your" attitudes towards together.

As I think about what the kids are going through, and consider what the couple could be coping with, I think...at some point in time, someone has to step up, and take one for the team.  "We all" can't be angry. Someone has to give in & bend so that the child is not feeling they are in a tornado, or have the ability to manipulate anyone to get what they want.

I want to tell them that your children will grow, and eventually, they will form their own opinion.  An opinion that despite what is being told to them, what they see, what "you" show them, will be how they decide who "you" are to them, and what type of relationship they want.  I want to tell them that... but I recognize that they have to be open and ready to hear it.

today....

I actually made an effort today to get things done.  But in the end, I found out how far behind I am, and the ONLY thing to do is to keep going.

During my morning study, my mind was running crazy, with questions for myself and how I can be better at being me.  Have you ever asked that question of yourself... How can I be better at being me?

So, I have a stack of books on the night stand.  The goal is to read all of them by the end of the summer, but funny thing is, my stack keeps growing.  (If I keep watching Oprah every Sunday morning, it will double).

Here is my list, in progress.
1. What Happens When Women Say Yes to God (Lysa TerKeurst)
2. Step Into Yourself (Ruth Edwards)
3. The Little Book on Meaning (Laura Berman Fortgang)
4. Who Do You Think You  Are? (Mark Driscoll)
5. Lady In Waiting (Kendall & Jones)
6. Love & Respect for a Lifetime (Emerson Eggerichs)
7. 40 Day Soul Fast (Cindy Trimm)
8. Purpose Driven Life (Rick Warren)
9. Lean In (Sheryl Sandberg)
10. A Return to Love (Mariann Williamson)
11. the Secret Language of Relationships (Golschnider & Elffers)

I've read #1, I'm reading #2.  I will start #5, #7, and #8 soon.  
The summer will be over soon, I'm ready to be in a different place.
Anyone wanna join me?? I could go for a reading partner or two.

Time

So I'm sitting her not doing anything I really should be doing... like my homework... I have a thought... I trust that God will bless me with children one day... but the blessing of seeing grandchildren will be a big question?

43 is just days away.  Still single.  Living at home.  In school.  Unemployed.  Well, I won't say that all of that is bad... because I should look for the silver lining.  So with that said.  God willing, I'll make it another year, and have a blessing that many have not had or will make the opportunity to do.  Being single allows me to have new experiences and work on me being a better and more grounded me.  Living at home, I only have my bills.  In school, hopefully will take care of the unemployed part.

This summer I am house sitting.  I'm overly blessed to have the friends I have, that trust me to care for their most precious possessions.

But anyway... I have a stack of books at the side of my bed.  Books for fun, but mostly books to get me to think, hopefully focus, and get me in a better position for life.  I'm ready for time to line itself up, so that I can move forward into my future, into my life.  It's time to move.

Slacking

Ok... having the best of intentions does nothing when you don't just take any action.  I've been slacking on this blog and EVERYTHING else for that matter!!! So it's time for me to change that completely around.

In just under 60 days, I'll be another year older.  And in some ways I've made slides forward, steps forward, or maybe even standing in place for some things, but I DON'T feel like I've made any steps back.

When I first started this blog, it was to challenge myself to do things to celebrate my life in a variety of ways that in the end, I didn't push myself to get done.  I'd still like to make those things happen, but I'm seriously in need to get focused so that I am able to TRULY not just move, but to leap and fly.

So!! I'm gonna do better.  As I try to clear away the clutter to have a clearer path in life spiritually, relationally, and career wise.  With the clarity of just one, I believe the others will fall into place.  So let's wish me luck, as I try to jot something daily.  Hopefully that alone will motivate me to actually do more than just cross things off my to-do list.

With that being said... If you find me slacking again???
Please hit me up!!! & Push me along!!!

:-)

It's been awhile, and it's about time.  Can't say much has happened in my life since I last posted, but I'm ready to make some things happen as oppose to waiting for it to happen.

In just about 90 days, I'll be a year older, and in this coming New Year, I gotta be ready to the changes I'm opening myself up to.

So to get ready, I'm challenging myself and to be a different person by the time the calendar flips over.  They say it only takes 28 day to change a habit... well let the count down begin!!!

Translation, more details to come later, can't tell you everything right off the bat.
(That's cause I don't really know yet, gotta set myself up to go!!)