Calendar...

So the pages on the calendar have flipped...

I've been a year older for the last 5 days. HUMPH.... No biggie until someone feels the

need to point out what I already know...... ah?? yeah?? I know that I'm 41? I don't remember all the details, but I was there :-)

So no that I am a year older, I won't say the pressures are on, but I am singing to myself, "A change gone come". Hhhmmmmm?? Should that be the theme for the next year. God is the only person that knows exactly how much change I need. I'm not yet up against a wall. But I am thinking, I'm going to have to come up with some things to help me to make it through this storm. Who knew that this part of the road was just going to lead to an open field with no close shelter. It's not hailing YET... but the drops are only getting bigger and falling harder and faster. (btw... I have no idea why I am using all the imagery this morning... lol)

So, now it's time to pray my way through this. 20 years ago, I could have told you exactly how my life was suppose to turn out... you know they typical... go to college, graduate, (somewhere in there meet my husband), get a job, get married, have a couple of kids, live happily ever after. Then I had someone stop me and tell me that was not possible to make a plan for life like that. But as I let myself get caught up in other people and just the day to day, I let my focus for anything get blurred. I've been trying to get refocused every since. I admire people that come out of the womb knowing where they are headed in life and they actually make it to their "final destination."

After a wondering conversation with a friend, I think about how I was raised, how I was sheltered, how I was pushed to nothing particular. And with that, not having the spirit to get out and get what I want. Funny, I will explore, but only if it is a sure thing. As I speak to others and tell them all the best ways to handle things in their life to move forward... but alas, I don't follow my own words. UGH!! Sometimes it's easier to speak out and not step out.

And with that said... let this be done!! I have to separate the curtain and take center stage in my own life, and not let the light shine on others. Let's get refreshed and LET'S GET FOCUSED!!

30 Day Count Down

30 days from today... I'll be a year older.

And my list, the whole reason for this blog... is miserably incomplete.

So now I'm trying to review and re-assess the list and determine what can realistically be completed by my birthday, and what I will need to do to half way feel successful. I spoke with a friend who came up with a list, and she gave me permission to extend my list until the end of the year. I agree!! I should... so there for I AM!!! :-)

And with that, I will more than likely change some things on the list that was kinda ridiculous in the first place.

Any ideas of what I should add? One thing will be finding a dayum job!! Being laid off again, I'm over this. I've actually had a couple of interviews, but nothing yet. I'm just happy there are positions open for things I'd want to do. But I need to get a call back and a start date.

With my birthday coming, I want to actually celebrate. Celebrating requires money. Money that unemployment is not going to cover. So let's have a Kumbaya moment & pray that one of these jobs be the job for me & I get called, interviewed, and hired.. OH!! and I like it :-)

As I'm thinking about getting older, I'm not upset that I'm having another birthday.... and I'm trying to not focus on what I've not "achieved," or don't have. I'm glad I have faith.. because without it.. I wouldn't have any hope. Obviously, things in my life are SSSOOOO different than what I thought they would be, but only God truly knows his plans for me.

So for the next 30 days... I got a lot to do. So keep me in your prayers <3

A Week Ago

Two week ago today time stood still for a moment.

I got news that a friend was shot and killed by her husband. WOW!!

A week ago, I traveled, reconnected with people, and said thank you to God for the blessing of my friend. We said good-bye to her.

Two weeks ago, two young children lost both of their parents.

A week ago, people that they'd never seen or heard of before, gathered around them to show those children love and concern for their future.

Today, we sit wondering, why? Why people can be so selfish, heartless and cold? We don't questions God, but question man.

Since 9-11, there has been a shift in how we treat each other. We don't speak to one another let a long look into each other's eyes. When people complain about today's "youth" and their behavior and lack of respect.. I think about the examples that are being set for them in and outside their homes. When the President, is cursed in-front of not just a room full of people.. but the world, how can we say we are surprised at the behaviors of others.

We can questions so much about life, but when it comes to the fundamentals of how we treat one another, how can we really say we are surprised?

I can count on my two hands how many friends I've lost since graduating from high school, and I still have fingers left (Thank God)... but the manner of loss is just blowing away. You never think that certain things that happen in the world, would ever touch your own life. But the world is a different place, that if "WE" don't step up to reclaim and reach back to "take back our territory", we will be truly lost, and always looking over our shoulder at those we should be able to trust.

So people... it's up to us. We are broken, but we are fixable... at least for now. What is the plan to fix it.

the best person

Funny when you are trying to talk yourself through.... or out of something... or into something.... the revelations you will have.

I've discovered that the best person to do many things to help and hurt yourself is yourself. My big discovery last night... That I am the best person to break my own heart.

I decided I would step back from a situation, but I keep showing up, and as time goes on, I can see myself getting pulled further and further in, and pulling the dirt down on top of me.

HOW DID I GET HERE?

The games people will play in relationships really astound me. We flirt, we share space, we have late night conversations, but we never speak what is hanging in the air. And then all of a sudden, there is a huge divide.

My crush has been a mystery since day one, and maybe that is why I'm sooooo intrigued. I've not been able to get to him. Otherwise, I truly can't figure out why I like him.

And now enter someone that is unavailable, and but the total opposite of my crush that is so open that it makes it easy to fall into place with him.

Neither are in places I need them to be, to want to be with them, but I feel myself falling in some way. So it's time to pick the pepper from the salt. It's time to view the negative (whether it be true or not). Do you think that will work? humph?

I was told I needed to open up. Well I have. And the one who was suppose to take advantage of the "space", hasn't, and others have. I feel like throwing the wall back up, because it is easier than running into a wall. I've been bruised and battered enough, so I think I'll just shut down where "he" is concerned. And though I know chances are slim. I'll always have hope, that he'll peek around, climb over, dig a trench underneath, or hell kick in that wall. But alas, I'm not holding my breath, but I am working on holding my own heart.

It's time to move on family

2 months and 1 day

I just realized that I'm about to be a year older and I have a long way to go on my list...

Some things take time.... Some things take money... and at this point, I don't have much of either.

My list really is not that challenging, but I've not focused on it, and though I think about it often, I'm not checking it as much as I should, nor am I updating it.

It's funny, that when I turned 30, I tried to do the same thing. I could not come up with 30 things to do. Matter of fact I think my list got up to maybe 26, and I still didn't finish. Then to have someone share with me their list for 50, and to see them actually work it!! I need to be dedicated. But then again, there is not much I have been focused on. I know much of what I need to do, I just haven't sat myself down to do it. I let distractions of the slightest pull me away and turn me away.

So I need help. I need motivation. I need you to keep me on point. I want to complete my list as much as possible, on time. Do you think I can do it? Do you think you can help me? Rules are about to be bent, so something is about to happen, either way. :-)

who to blame

I know that in my life I've made some bad choices...
But what in my life could have been so bad that I can't meet the 1 person that I like,

and just want.. but does get married.

I'm trying to not do it..

I'm trying to not blame God for the lack of "romance"/"Love" in my life. I'm soooo confused,

and so over trying to figure out what in the HELL it is I need to meet that 1 person, or to meet someone "available" for me to be able to learn what it is and how it is...

I'm just soooo tired. My HEART ACHES.. IT HURTS SOOOO MUCH!!! I don't know what to do. Starting to feel like I never have or ever will.

I'm ready to give up. And if there was ever away to walk away and not feel the pangs, of hurt and disappointment for the things that really matter to you? I think I'd be out the door.

Where I thought I had some answers... I'm even more confused. I just want to be done.

So this week, I call it over. I don't think I can take another step further. I feel so defeated. And I don't know why. I don't know why.

Being a single woman is hard. Being a single black woman that is over weight, almost feels impossable to change. But I watch these shows on tv, and then it gives me hope. I just want to put my wine glass down, then turn the trash can over.

If you are reading this, it's not just about one person, but all that sees my heart and wants to be in my bubble....

.

For the record... I'm not desperate!! At times I'm lonely, and frustrations roll in like storm clouds on a rainy day... but just as quick, they roll out. So don't take my rantings as being someone who is ready to slice her wrist... but I am ready for change in my life, and movement.

I'm ready to step out!!

months

for months... I've had a crush... and for months I've been confused.

I don't believe in pursuing any man for a romantic relationship.. so just coming out and telling him.. ain't going to happen. If I knew how to throw signals out, I would... but then again, I'm having a hard time reading him.

It's interesting to have someone that likes to be in your personal space and "touch" you in ways that are personal but not: holding my hand, touching my hair, just being close. I can't tell if I'm reading right or wrong.

Friends have noticed the pull, but that has not turned into nothing more than random communication.

But in the last few months, things have changed. I don't know if it is because they are bothered by the fact that I've opened up to share my time with other, and not just made myself available to them. But it all makes me tired. If it wasn't for the fact I want to be married when I have a child... I'd just go get me a baby and keep it moving. lol

So now what? And How?? Games are not a part of this program!!

how

you know I sit and wonder.... I know, I'm overly blessed!

I will tell someone everyday ALL DAY... but it still does not make me

feel any better about where I am in my life, which as I get closer to my birthday,

fighting off falling into a hole of depression.

I've made many mistakes like others have, but not many things that I regret. I can say it's happened, and that I've learned many lessons.

So now what? How do I clean the mess that is around me, and that tries to creep across my foot?

I don't want anyone to save me... cause only of God can do that. I'm working to please him, and do his will. I doubt myself, praying to not mess up what he gives me, and praying even harder to take care of my blessings.

less than

In less than 3 months, I'll be a year older. UGH!!! Can't say that I'm not ready. I'm just thinking how I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be.

I single, living at home, over weight, with a job that is just a job with no future, praying to have stronger faith that will help me to find peace where I am, and an energy to burst out. I never imagined life to be this way. I'm listening to those around me and their impressions of me, and looking at myself thinking who I am? Who I want to be? But mostly, who I am meant to be?

But I accept my responsibility for the things I've done in the past that may not have been perfect, but in the end they were my lessons to learn. Now I just want to build on my lessons.

Tonight before I go to bed, I'll start a list of all the things that I am thankful for. And I'll make a list of all the things that I want for my life. All that I believe that are possible right now.

I admit, I do wish life was easier. I wish there was someONE person walking this earth, that could tell me exactly what to do so that I can move in some direction in my life. I can't say that I'm spinning my wheels, I can't even say that I've even turned the key.

I guess that key needs to be to set my goals, aim high, and anything that the arrow lands on below, is just a stepping stone to where I need to be.

I'm always Praying for better.

Staying the Course

SSSoooooo...

I have a crush on someone. He's not my typical interest (not that I believe in types), but there is a pull there, despite differences.

BUT!!! and it's a big BUT!! I am feeling myself drawn to someone else at the same time. HE as well is not my typical, and matter of fact, I didn't even really think about him, UNTIL I started to get to know him. In conversation we've chatted and can laugh easily at the same things.
How in the hell did I end up like this?

The two are different and a like, but the differences are the question.

But does it really matter when one seems to be stuck on his "type," and the other has a girlfriend.

So... I'm scaling back, I'm staying low, and waiting. I'm to old for this cat and mouse shit. I'm tired just thinking about trying to wedge myself into something that may not be nothing. This whole dating thing is a serious BITCH!!

I've never dated. I've only had relationships. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS!!!?? People have tried to talk me into dating sites, but I just can't bring myself to it.

So someone advise me? Cause I'm not about to make any decisions... It's all about who steps up first.

Looks like I'm staying the course... waiting.

Continuing Education

So I’ve decided that I’m going back to school… YEAH ME!!!!

But Dayum… the process is annoying. You would think that as time goes and technology “improves,” things would be easier? Nope? Not at all.
Let’s start with the application process. Back in the day, the state of Florida, used paper. And in the process of using paper, you had one application for all state schools. Well since they’ve gone paperless, the application for each school is online. And when I say each school, I mean EACH school. The questions and process varies.

Why!? If I already have a degree, and a transcript with all the information, would I need to fill out my high school gpa, A.C.T. & S.A.T. scores, or any of that stuff that has long since been packed up & now cost money for me to recover.

So since it took me forever to decide on my major, and the process I would go back to receive it (I got caught up in the maze so my gpa sucks), and taking it lightly how long it would take to do the application, I’m not looking at starting school in the fall. So let’s pray that God has a plan for my now free summer. Maybe a new job with great benefits? Sounds good to me.

Why SO Dayum Hard...

So my list has pretty much been on pause for ... MONTHS!!!

I've easily completed some things, somethings are time consuming, and others are just stalled.

Two big things... dealing with men, have been a challenge. The kissing & the dates. Kissing could be done in one night at a club... which I will not do.... and then there is the dates. I decided to amend that challenge. Instead of 40 dates I'll go out with 20 guys 2 times. Easy?? Hell NO!!

What the hell is it with men? I've been trying to treat 3 "friends" for the last 5-6 months and it just does not happen. Mostly with their schedule, I can't figure out what the story is when I'm saying to them.... pick a day and time. I'm not trying to marry let alone date them, just hang out. I'm trying to treat them. How often does that happen?

So I'm about to cut that, and the kisses from my list. If they happen, they happen. But at this point, less than 4mons away, gotta move on.

Any suggestions on what to replace them with?

21 days and what did I learn

for the last 21 days... I have been on a journey

My church held a corporate fast that required us to eat only things that grew out of the ground, and was not processed. So no sweets, only unleavened breads, no meat, no alcohol... nunofit!!!

It wasn't to hard for me because when I normally fast, it is total. The only thing that I normally consume on my personal fast is water.

We were instructed on how we should pray, and to an extent what to pray for. I created a list, and I prayed when a thought came to mind to pray. But as I reflect on the things God put on my heart, it mostly came down to how I dealt with people, and who I gave my time to. So looking at myself and reflecting on me and the things I've experienced, I think about my relationships past, present, and stalled.

Starting with this, I'm like a lot of people, I want to be liked. I hope that people when they look at me, they see me as someone that is nice and they want to get to know me. I've always had a diverse mix of friends I think, but for the most part they are nice. But because of that and me being nice, I've been used, which is sad. But as I've gotten older (and cynical) I've come to understand that we all "use" each other in one way or another. But if you must use me, let it be for good, and not evil.

Now let's talk stalled.... people that just kinda drift off the radar, and when you try to reach out, they give you the run around. Makes me wanna purge my phone and fb page of these people who I don't need to just take space in my life. We all have our things that we go through, but dayum, be for real with things. It makes me question exactly what type of "friends" we really were. But in the end, it kinda hurts because I do miss them. So reminder to self... people are like seasons, they come and go; they are not always meant to stay forever.

Now the present. I am overly blessed to have family who love me, and friends who love me like family. I know that I can be selfish, and get into my moments "woe is me," but I have awesome support for the ups and downs that I roll through. As I try to figure out how I can get myself settled in my life, I'm praying to be able to show my love ones in more than small ways, just how grateful I am for them.

To be honest, how God spoke to me.... had nothing to do with what was on my list. But in time fast or not, he'll speak plainly and I'll have no doubts. :-) btw... that time can't get here fast enough. LOL

This past week was interesting in many ways... but one of the best was going to the Barry Manilow concert. Yep!! Really old school, but sooo much fun, and mostly because it was simple. As I work on my list of new experiences I'm blessed to know ppl that can think of me, and find a way to bless me.

My list has been at a stand still and I'm trying to keep in mind that I even have a list. lol

But as I go through it, I do realize that I have done a few thing just because they are things that I do anyway by nature.

There are a few things on the list that I am finding hard to tackle....

Hell... anything dealing with a man... is draggin my list down. I haven't really tried to do #19 (that was some foolishness someone else thought up) but it could be done in the right environment. And trying to just take someone out for lunch to just chat?? I've just about given up on that.

So you got any suggestions for how I can accomplish some of the stuff on my list? Know any guys that wouldn't mind letting me kiss their cheek, or take them to lunch. Gotta get her done!!!

Ramblings on A Good Guy and Control

Today I got a call from a friend that needed to hash some things out. He's dating someone that is separated and not really making the effort to be divorced, and he's interested in getting married. Translation, she's enjoying being "single," so what's he to do?

As we chatted about his dating history since we've met, and his lack of being social in a very social city, he began to hear from his own mouth what his problem was and what he needed to do.

(BTW, since I'm giving nicknames... let's call this one "Numbers." )

Numbers and I met when he saw me through a window while I was working in another city. He was nervous about talking to me, so when someone else gave him my number, he would call and hang up. After a few weeks, we finally had a chat. We hung out a couple of times, and he even asked me to marry him, with a promise of letting me stay home to raise our kids.... After I picked my mouth up off the floor and got my mind back, I told him no :-) But, we've remained the kinda friends that don't have to talk everyday or every month, but every few months or so I'll call to say hi, or he calls with womens issues.

Tonight as we chatted & after hanging up, I thought to myself he's a good guy, nice, sweet, loving, willing to give all. And why am I not trying to get with that myself. Then he sent me a text to say how much he appreciated me, but started it with... "let's get married... j/k". I reminded him that he'd already asked, and who knows what could happen in the future?

So what is it? Contrary to what we often say, about there being no good men out there... Well he's a good guy, wanting a good girl. And there are plenty of guys like him.

This dating thing is a bitch and trying to weed through the foolishness that people will put you through, makes you crazy. I constantly try to remind myself that the struggle of the journey is worth that final goal. Therefore my challenge is to let it all go, and let God have his way with me to get me through this. I release all control to Him.

inspired to an epiphany

Ok, another blog within hours. Before warned that this will totally be a grammatical mess, but hopefully you can me sense of this. So here we goooooo!!!

I just had an epiphany! I realized that it’s been over 2yrs since I’ve had an interest in any man since Red. With Red, I accept the responsibility for breaking my own heart.

Before we met, I’d prayed for someone that would want me more than I wanted them, and I would be able to walk away from. Just someone to hang out with & they spend their money on me. For years I dated a guy that I treated & drove and HELL… that mo’fo was a scrub J… but poor Red, he came at the wrong time. He came right after a time I was literally abandoned by 2 different guys.

One, a med student I’d met with one of my bff’s. He didn’t stay in touch, but when I was in town, he’d drive out of his way to see me. He gave the impression that he was in to me. Guy #2, came to me my last hours in Ghana; planning to come to the states for school, I prepared my mind for him to become a father. Both just stopped communication. Both disappeared. One I kept emailing, and eventually when he translated written word into a questioning of his “manhood” only then did I get a response. The other, I found on fb (after I deleted him from my fb & myspace page). I said hi, he questioned what happened, I said you didn’t seem to be interested in communicating, so I deleted you. I was thinking, you didn’t bother to contact me, & now you don’t say anything to say any different, so he will stay in the past. Then 2 months after I returned from Ghana, I met Red though a friend. Sweet guy, good looking, very loving & attentive, he was ready to plunge into marriage within months of meeting/dating.

Because I never gave him the real attention he deserved, he found someone to give it to him. He was the first guy that I dated that was not a “wounded puppy.” He took me by surprised. God took me by surprise! I didn’t know what to do with him.

So now, just over 2yrs, someone has caught my eye. Can’t say that I picture him as my forever. Can’t even say I picture us doing more hand holding hands, cuddling and just chatting? But it’s been soooo long, so long. I miss the affection, and I’m trying to wait on God to get me to that person, but right now, I’m looking to get to know “him.” Now to figure out what his deal is.

Is it a joke? Is he that much of a tease? He takes my hand outta nowhere…. but I pull back for fear, fear of reading too much into it. UGH!!! I look forward to being outta the dating scene… cause this mystery stuff SUCKS!!!!!

But that interest, and on action inspired me to do something I’ve not really done in years. I wrote a poem. Before it’s over... there will be more. BTW, not sure if I will post the poem or not? Maybe down the road I’ll share with you. Maybe?

Oh well… that’s a lot to think of… a lot to live through. So stay tuned.

Getting Out

This week, I think was the first time in my life that I went out 4 days outta 7. LOL!!! I’m in the wrong house for that!! When I got ready to leave last night (of course I left late!!), my mother was like “where you going at 11 o’clock at night.” Well I know eventually the comments will come, but it’s ok. I’ve been content with living inside four walls without a true interest in really actively seeking, exploring and finding out about outside the 4-walls.

So this week it was The Grande, then the museum, then Hip Hop Karaoke, and tonight the Waldorf (the 3^rd week in a row). Now, listening to the very talented young man play the piano is nice, and the place is cool… but, I don’t want to be looked at as a stalker. ROFL!!! But right now money is tight & I can’t really think of another place to go. So it’s back to the Waldorf with “new” friends.

Something else I did this week was reviewing my list. I needed to update and see where I am. Some things are done, some in good progress, others just dayum stalled. Especially the “man” part of the list. If you recall, I have “kiss 40 men” and “go on 40 dates” (which is going be changed). It will change to 2 dates with 20 guys, or whatever to add up to 40. So with that said… I went on one date, and that is when I decided to change it, BUT, I can’t get the guy to call me back. I have a 2 more friends that said they would go on dates with me, but it’s a matter of just getting them when they have time. Then I have 1 I think I’d just plain like to date, but don’t think he’s interested in me, so if I can get him to go out to lunch or whatever, I’d be happy just to get to know him.

So today, chatting with some extended family on fb, she tells me a “friend” of hers has been asking about me. “He” wants to get to know me. HUH? I think the first time I met him was with a friend, and I think he judged me to be someone I am not. Well, my first thought was WTF… SOOOOOO NOT MY TYPE. Translation, he’s a big time baby daddy, that looks like he’s content with being just that. So just like he did, I have judged him, but then I have more details on him. But then I thought back to my list, and the point of my list which is to meet different guys and get to know them, find out how they feel about things in life, and learn from them. The goal is not so much to find a relationship, but maybe start a one, a good friendship if nothing else. Thus… I’m probably going on the date with the guy I’d never give a 2^nd look to. So, I have to call him and set it up. I’m not sure how this is going to go, but I’ll treat him like I will do the rest, flowers or candy, I’ll pick up the tab, but I think I’ll meet him where ever we go…. so stay tuned

Self

This is a New Year.... I stopped doing resolutions years ago when it dawned on me that my New Year is August 26, the day I was born and not January 1st. But either way, I'm just trying to go into things in a different way.

Last NYE I didn't go to church as I'd done for at least the last 10yrs, but I visited with friends briefly, then went home, got ready for bed, then at 2mins before midnight, began to pray my way into 2010. No I can't remember exactly what I prayed... but I'm sure it's pretty much what I always pray, that God moves in my life, and allows me to see clearly the things that are for me and the things that are not.

This year I just told God, "I'm all yours. Do with me what you need so that I am able to be who I was born to be, so that I am able to take the blessings he gives me, and share them with others.

No. I didn't specifically pray for a man, or anything like, because I figure that if he moves me to where I need to be, all that I desire in my life, will fall into place.

So far, I've enjoyed the 3 days of the NY. My parents were away for a few days, so I had the house to myself, and I just lived on the porch. I hung with a few friends, but really just kept to myself. Saturday night turned out to be a pretty nice evening out with gf's eating chocolate & listening to jazz. Before the night was over, I flirted with my crush and met a new cutie.

I really was considering going after 1 or both in a round about way, but then I start thinking. Then I start doubting.

1. the age difference... I hate the term cougar, and don't really consider myself to be one because I've always been pursued

2. my weight... I have got to get motivated

3. I'm not at the station in life I would like to be (I only have so much to offer, and it's not enough as far as I'm concerned)

4. Am I really "their" type (see line 2)

5. what am I really going to pursue with either of them... I've decided that I don't have an interest in just hooking up, and if it's not heading in a direction of a serious relationship, why bother

But moving on, Mr. Cutie (or shall we call him Room 347), asked out my girlfriend, and brushed me off. Now my crush (we'll call him the Black Key), is quick witted and flirted in a way that really just brought something outta me, (even though I could not keep up with him). Tonight it was not the same vibe, and I'm thinking I need to pull back. UGH!!!

If nothing else, I'll take him on a date for my list. I'll get to know him, and maybe well who the hell knows what "maybe"?

If God is waiting for me to hit rock bottom, I'm not sure if I'm there yet, but I dayum sholl is tired of it.

So tonight, after I've read one of my spiritual books on waiting, I'll get on my knees and pray to my Father. I know he hears me, I'm just waiting for him to answer. aaahhhhh... P.U.SH. & P.U.S.H some more. Maybe when my knees lock and my hands go numb, I'll be on my back with only 2 ways to go, sideways and up. Lord help me to move up.

Oh... this year... only God knows where it will take me. Only God knows anything even through confusion.